This being the first day of 2008 (hard to believe) I thought I would find something to help you with your latest new year’s resolutions. I’m sure most of you have resolved to spend more time with family and friends, excercise more, eat better, to earn more money and perhaps travel to exotic locales this coming year. But I wonder, are there any women out there resolving to take better care of a part of our bodies that we often take for granted — the breasts? The author of Lovely Ladies hopes that you will. After reading this, I think I’ll try to do better by them this year.

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No woman can have truly womanly beauty without beautiful breasts. If illness or childbirth causes them to droop, don’t allow this condition to continue for a single month. And allow no perverted current ideas to cause you to bind or strap them into a semblance of boyish flatness, and thus break down their muscles and delicate tissues.

First, the underdeveloped breasts. Simply massage them in a rotating movement five minutes night and morning, with lanolin or cocoa butter, all that they will absorb. Dust with talcum. Always mix a few drops of tincture of benzoin with lanolin or cocoa butter for whitening.

Next, breasts that sag because of illness. Watch this particularly after operations, after childbirth, and after nursing a child. They must have a massage with diluted alcohol, then a good brisk slapping with a folded towel wrung out in cold water, then the upward and rotating massage with the lanolin or cocoa butter, unless they are already very large. Never under any circumstances attempt to reduce your breasts with epsom salts or reducing creams or bandages, or rubbing contraptions which are beneficial to other parts of the body.

Continue these ministrations until your breasts are beautiful, and return to the measures if your breasts tend ever to lose that beauty.
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Important Disclaimer: This is originally from the 1920s, so this advice may therefore be a bit unsound. You might want to confer with your doctor before rubbing something like “tincture of benzoin” (whatever that is) or any other product that sounds funny and is probably not readily found in your local drugstore onto your chest. And hey — don’t blame Miss Abigial if your breasts burst into flame with the use of epsom salts or reducing creams. This is meant for entertainment purposes only!